August 23-September 22
You are the logical type and you hate disorder. Your constant nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold, unemotional, and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make either good bus drivers or pimps.
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Taurus
April 20-May 20
You are practical and persistent. You possess a dogged determination and you work like hell. Most people think you are a stubborn and spoiled asshole. You are nothing but a pinko communist.
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Scorpio
October 23-November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall attain the pinnacle of success, mostly because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.
Most Scorpios are murdered.
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Leo
July 23-August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Other people think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards who like to kiss mirrors a lot.
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Pisces
February 19 to March 20
You have a vivid imagination and you often believe you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have little or no influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward.
Most Pisceans are homosexual. Pisces like to screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
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Libra
September 23-October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are probably queer. Your chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent.
Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras will get at least one venereal disease.
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Gemini
May 21-June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are always inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
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November 22-December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You exhibit a reckless tendency to rely on your looks, mostly because you have no talent.
The majority of Sagittarians are either drunks or pot heads. People often laugh at you because you are constantly being fucked over.
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Cancer
June 21-July 22
You are both sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You always put things off 'til later. That's why you will always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.
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Aries
March 21-April 19
You are the pioneering type, and hold most people in contempt. Your feelings of superiority mask your total mediocrity. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
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Aquarius January 20 to February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, often causing you to make the same mistake twice. People think you are a fucking jerk.
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Capricorn December 22-January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should just give up and end it all.
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