Eighteen senators were sent home from Congress after a routine screening found an infestation of nits, larvae, and adult parasites living on the scalps of high-ranking Washington lawmakers.
The outbreak of head lice, which many are calling the worst in U.S. Senate history, has brought the Capitol to a standstill, with presiding officer Vice President Joe Biden suspending all daily sessions until further notice.
“I regret to inform the American people that the Senate chamber has been struck by a devastating case of lice,” majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. “Although we’ve already dismissed a number of afflicted senators, and thrown out most of their personal belongings, it is imperative that this issue be resolved as quickly as possible.”
“This outbreak needs to be addressed,” continued Reid, speaking from behind a podium wrapped in airtight plastic sheets. “We can’t risk having lice spread to the House.”
According to sources on Capitol Hill, signs of a potential infestation first surfaced early Monday morning when Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS) witnessed Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) excessively scratching at the back of his head. Cochran, who sits directly behind Rockefeller, said that the five-term senator’s aggressive attempts to relieve an itch dislodged several tiny, writhing bugs, which fell onto a binder containing bill S. 2294.
“It was so disgusting,” said Cochran, adding that he thought Sen. Rockefeller only had dandruff. “I’ll never cosponsor a bill with him again. I bet he doesn’t even shower.”
While Senate leaders would not release the name of the blood-feeding parasite’s original host, many legislators speculated Tuesday that the epidemic started with that one gross Arkansas representative who always wears sweatpants…
According to Beltway insiders, this is the worst contagion to hit the federal government since 2004, when a single infected gavel gave the entire Supreme Court crabs.
source: The Onion
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