the screaming...

You know, sometimes I wonder if I've done some weird public things, like, to be standing there and talking to someone and having a thought flash through my head like - "Jesus, just shut the fuck up, what a fucking asshole you are..." and then wondering if I had just said it out loud, not because anybody heard me speak those words of course, but because the thought was so vivid that, it was as though it were transmitted. I wonder about that. I also wonder, while I'm at the check-out stand at the local market, watching some cashier, who would rather be home watching Court TV, try to break her own record for slow and lugubrious service, while the subjects of her quest are shifting their feet, and glancing at each other as if to say: "kill me now, no please, really, kill me..." and at some point I think to myself "hey, have I been here screaming at the top of my lungs? "FUCK YOU! LET'S GO, YOU CRAZY FUCKER!" Am I rolling around on the floor in some crazy fit? Is security on the way?" Fuck, and all the while, nothing is really happening here at the cusp of self control, but the screaming has to stop, or I won't be able to leave the house anymore, and then I'll be home alone trying to figure out if I'm really there or not.