breaktime

So, here's what's happening, I'm taking a little break from this www ratrace - now, I know that this probably affects a very fucking small percentage of those who might actually read this, but if you're one of 'em, its for you, anyway, I'm gonna spend a few weeks working on some new episodes of Radio Free Exile and maybe a video or two, also soak up some sun, imagine that, since it is the summer, feed a squirrel, whatever, so do this for me, look for new Radio Free Exile episodes around the end of July and of course you can got to the link above and get archived shows, there's might be about 50 or more, more probably, but I don't know exactly, I've never even bothered to count, that's another story, and just what the fuck is that all about, like somebody might fucking know; then you can check the archives of this blog, there's even a link list of some of my very own favorite posts, in a very self-indulgent and egocentric kind of way, and then of course, the Radio Free Exile Super Swag Emporium will be open 24/7 to supply you with all of your earthly needs, I mean it, honest, no, really... and there you have it, enjoy my time off - I will.

New Piracy-Proof Format

Music Industry Unveils New Piracy-Proof Format: A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue.

Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed 'turntable'.

"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen."

As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within it.

"It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France or something?"

Invention: Teenage computer hackers struggled to access the new disc.

In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary' and 'stunningly clever.'

To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.

Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?".

As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12 inch wide, turntable-driven, needle-based, firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.

Bread Kills!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

* 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
* 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
* 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
* 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
* 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Lollygagger Lane

Milestones in the History of Marijuana

People around the world have been smoking marijuana for thousands of years while also using the hemp plant for everything from fabric and rope to ethanol fuel. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, a man with a bit of power and enough determination decided pot was wicked, evil and narcotic. He moved mountains to make it illegal worldwide. In the U.S., the struggle continues to this day to overcome the lies and misconceptions about marijuana that the government spent billions to spread.

Between 1937 and 1947, the government spent $220 million on the war against drugs. Between 1948 and 1963, the cost of this "war" on marijuana alone escalated to $1.5 billion. From 1964 to 1969 the government spent $9 billion on the war against marijuana, a price tag that continues to rise.

First Fabric Known to Man

The hemp plant, also called cannabis or marijuana, has been used around the world for thousands of years. Sometime around 7000 - 8000 BCE, the first fabric is believed to have been woven from dried hemp weed.

Cannabis Seeds Used as Food

Around 6000 BCE hemp seeds were used as food in China. By 2727 BCE, the Chinese documented the use of cannabis as a medication to treat a variety of health problems. They later grew the plant on a large scale for food and fiber.

Cannabis is Cultivated and Left as an Offering

In 1500 BCE Scythians started to cultivate cannabis for weaving cloth. By 700 - 300 BCE the status of the plant had been elevated among Scythian tribes and cannabis seeds were left as offering in royal tombs.

"Sacred Grass" Named One of Five Sacred Plants in India

Cannabis is called "Sacred Grass" in the Hindu sacred text Arthava-Veda and named one of the five sacred plants of India. It was used as an offering to Shiva and also as a medication in India from 1200 - 800 BCE.

Hemp Use Spreads Throughout Europe

The hemp plant was introduced into Northern Europe by the Scythians around 500 BCE Over the next 400 years it spread throughout the subcontinent.

Cannabis Mentioned in the Jewish Talmud

Sometime around 500 - 600 CE, there was a mention of the euphoric properties on cannabis in the Jewish Talmud.

Smoking Cannabis Becomes Popular in the Middle East

Between 900 -1000 the use of cannabis spread throughout the Arab world. By the early 1200s, smoking marijuana had become very popular in the region. It was popular among Muslims, who are not permitted to drink alcohol.

Marijuana Comes to the New World

In 1492, Christopher Columbus brought Cannibis Sativa to America.

Farmers in America Required to Grow Hemp

From 1000 to 1500, the use of marijuana spread further. The French and British grew hemp in the colonies of Port Royal, Virginia and Plymouth. In 1619 a law was passed in Jamestown, Virginia Colony, which required farmers to grow hemp. Marijuana also became a major trade item between Central and South Asia during this time.

Presidential Marijuana

At Mount Vernon, George Washington grew hemp as his primary crop in 1797. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp as a secondary crop at Monticello.

Napoleon Bans Hemp

In 1798, Napoleon declared a total prohibition of hemp after realizing much of the Egyptian lower class were habitual smokers of marijuana.

Medical Cannabis Sold in the U.S.

In 1840, medicines with a cannabis base were available in U.S. pharmacies. Hashish was available in Persian pharmacies.

U.S. Receives the Gift of Marijuana

In 1876, the Sultan of Turkey gave marijuana to the United States as a gift. By 1880, Turkish smoking parlors were opened all over the northeastern U.S.

Food and Drug Administration Formed in the U.S.

In 1906, the Pure Food and Drug Act was passed in the U.S. and the Food and Drug Administration was formed. This was the first time drugs had any government oversight.

Ford's Hempmobile

In 1908, Henry Ford made his first Model T with hemp plastic. The car was fueled with hemp ethanol.

Cannabis Prohibition Begins in the U.S.

California passed the first state marijuana law in 1913, but it was largely overlooked because it specifically addressed "preparations of hemp, or loco weed." Other state anti-marijuana law were passed in Utah in 1915, in Texas in 1919, Louisiana in 1924 and New York in 1927.

Cannabis Prohibition in Britain

In 1928, the recreational use of marijuana was banned in Britain.

Marijuana Ordinance Passed in El Paso

Marijuana came into the southwestern United States in the early 1900s with Mexican migrants who entered the country looking for work. Laborers enjoyed smoking marijuana after hard days in the fields. The local European Whites believed that marijuana gave the Mexicans "superhuman strength" and turned them into killers.

In 1914 in El Paso, some white men were allegedly attacked by a Mexican man who had "gone crazy" on supposedly "killer weed." Following the incident, the El Paso City Council passed an ordinance banning possession of marijuana. The law was more about controlling the local Mexican populace than controlling marijuana, as the predominantly white constituency did not like the Mexicans or their customs.

Harry J. Anslinger Declares War on Marijuana

The federal government gave control of illegal drugs to the Treasury Department, which created the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. Harry J. Anslinger, a prohibitionist, became the first commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics in 1930. He held the position until 1962. Anslinger declared war on drugs and effectively shaped America's views about marijuana.

Marijuana Use Spreads to Major Cities

In the 1930s, bales of marijuana (called muggles), tea and reefer were arriving in southern port cities such as New Orleans via West Indian sailors. Jazz musicians travelled north and took marijuana with them, making reefer parties popular in many major cities along the way.

The Uniform State Narcotic Act

When it became too expensive for the Bureau to pursue all drug cases on its own, Anslinger tirelessly campaigned and lobbied for the passage of the Uniform State Narcotic Act, which would require states to police drug trafficking and commit state resources for the war on drugs. Only nine states initially agreed, so Anslinger launched a nationwide media campaign declaring marijuana causes temporary insanity. The ads featured young people smoking marijuana, then behaving recklessly, committing crimes, killing themselves and others or dying from marijuana use. The propaganda campaign was a success and all states signed on.

Reefer Madness

In 1936, the propaganda film "Reefer Madness" was made in an attempt to scare young Americans away from using marijuana. The film directly stated that smoking marijuana causes insanity. In the film, a woman smokes marijuana, then laughs while a man who has smoked marijuana beats a third person to death.

Marijuana Tax Stamp Act

Anslinger's propaganda campaign convinced the public that marijuana was in fact a "killer drug." Hysterical voters demanded action without seeing or hearing about any scientific research about marijuana or proof of the supposed harm that comes from smoking it.

On October 2, 1937, without any open debate, scientific enquiry, or political objection, President Roosevelt signed the Marijuana Tax Law. The law made it illegal to possess marijuana in the U.S. without a special tax stamp issued by the U.S. Treasury Department. In theory, growing and selling marijuana was still legal as long as you bought the government tax stamp for $1.00. However, the Treasury Department did not issue any tax stamps for marijuana, effectively making growing, selling and possessing marijuana illegal under the Act.

First Marijuana Conviction

On the very day the Marijunana Tax Stamp Act was passed, the FBI and Denver police raided the Lexington Hotel and arrested two people: Samuel R. Caldwell and Moses Baca. Three days later, Caldwell, a 58 year old unemployed laborer, became first person in the U.S. to be convicted of selling of marijuana without a tax stamp. He was sentenced to four years of hard labor in Leavenworth Penitentiary. Presiding Judge J Foster Symes, had previously stated that he considered marijuana to be the worst of all narcotics and vowed to impose harsh sentences for violations of the Marijuana Tax Act. Caldwell was also fined $1,000 for the two marijuana cigarettes that were found in his possession. Baca, who was his customer, was found guilty of possession of marijuana and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Both men served their full sentences. Caldwell died a year after his release.

New York Mayor Takes a Stand Against Marijuana Prohibition

Fiorello La Guardia, the mayor of New York, spoke out against the Marijuana Tax Stamp Act, saying the majority of Americans did not want the law and it should be abolished. He was skeptical of the government's claims and propaganda touting marijuana as a dangerous, evil, killer narcotic. La Guardia commissioned a six-year study by a group of 31 impartial scientists. After an in-depth scientific analysis, researchers concluded that marijuana does not cause violent, psychotic episodes, is not responsible for anti-social behavior, does not cause uncontrollable sexual urges and does not alter a person's core personality structure.

In 1944, La Guardia's commission published a report of the findings, scientifically disproving all of Anslinger's propaganda and outlandish clams about the effects of smoking marijuana. Once again, Anslinger used his muscle with the press to discredit the report and destroyed every copy of the report he could. He then successfully blocked any further research by restricting the availability of marijuana.

Anslinger Targets Hollywood

Anslinger then began digging up dirt on anti-prohibitionists, and took special aim at the entertainment industry. Hollywood buckled under the pressure and gave Anslinger personal control over movie scripts that mentioned drugs. Any movie that Anslinger felt sent the wrong message was banned.

The Marijuana Propaganda Continues in the 1950s

In the 1950s, Anslinger used a new scare tactic by producing propaganda claiming that marijuana was a gateway drug to heroin. Americans were concerned about a growing number of teens using heroin, so Anslinger used that concern as an opening to push his marijuana message once again. The media circulated the myth that most heroin-addicts were led down the path to disaster by marijuana and that most marijuana users become addicted to harder drugs.

Boggs Act Increases Drug Penalties

In 1951, Anslinger supported an amendment to the Harrison Narcotic Act, introduced by Senator Hale Boggs, that would dramatically increase mandatory drug sentences. Boggs said that harsh sentences were needed for all drug offenses because drugs were a tool of Communist China. Truman signed the Boggs Act.

Narcotic Control Act of 1956

On a roll, Anslinger then pushed for even tougher drug laws and got President Eisenhower on board. The Narcotic Control Act put marijuana in the same drug class as heroin and added more severe penalties. A first conviction of possession of marijuana was punishable by a mandatory two to 10 years in prison. State drug laws also toughened up. In Missouri, a second conviction for possession of marijuana was eligible for a life sentence.

Anslinger Targets the United Nations

Propelled by his success in criminalizing marijuana and adding teeth to drug laws, Anslinger set his sights higher and went to the U.N. In 1961, Using the then-considerable influence of the United States, he convinced over 100 countries to consolidate their drug agreements into a single convention that would make marijuana illegal around the world. Anslinger was honored by JFK at his retirement in 1962.

1960s Anti-Drug Propaganda

In the 1960s, anti-drug propaganda was widely distributed with the message that smoking marijuana would not only make you lazy and irresponsible, but that you were also out of touch with reality and a threat to national security.

Dr. Leo E. Hollister, the associate chief of staff and the Palo Alto Veterans Hospital in California conducted a study of the effects of marijuana and concluded that smoking marijuana makes people happy, friendly, intoxicated and sleepy. He found no reason to believe that smoking pot made people aggressive or led to addiction to other drugs.

Marijuana Culture is Born in the U.S.

Despite the propaganda, marijuana increased in popularity on college campuses across the country. Students spoke out about their marijuana use and gradually changed the public's perception of the drug. By 1965, an estimated 1 million Americans had tried marijuana. With events like Woodstock and popular groups such as the Grateful Dead, smoking marijuana became a part of pop-culture. By 1972, approximately 24 million Americans had tried marijuana.

Nixon's War on Drugs

Nixon won the election on a campaign-platform for restoring law and order in the country. Since most criminal violations are handled by the states, he found that drug laws could allow him to be most effective. He launched Operation Intercept. Two thousand customs agents were deployed along the Mexican border in a military-style search and seizure mission to stop the flow of marijuana. Virtually no marijuana was found among the 5 million people who were searched and after three weeks the operation was abandoned. Nixon then decided to concentrate on police training to fight the war against marijuana. Almost immediately, marijuan-related arrests and convictions increased dramatically.

Don Crowe Sentenced to 50 Years

Twenty-five year old Vietnam veteran Don Crowe was convicted of selling marijuana to an undercover cop. It was his first offense and the amount of marijuana was under an ounce. He was sentenced to 50 years in prison.

The Controlled Substances Act

There was a push for marijuana reform as the public began to realize that marijuana laws were not effective and that the penalties were too harsh. A big wake-up call for many middle-class people was the fact that their own kids were the top demographic for arrests and prosecution. At a Senate hearing on marijuana legislation in 1969, Dr. Stanley Yolles estimated that 8 to 12 million people in the United States smoked marijuana and urged Congress to abolish mandatory minimum sentencing for drug offenses. Congress took the advice and passed Controlled Substances Act which eliminated mandatory minimums and reduced penalties for possession of marijuana.

The National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse Report

Nixon continued his anti-drug crusade. He enlisted celebrities and used the media to spread the message, as well as funded a new study to identify the dangers of marijuana. Researchers found that using marijuana did not lead to crime, and that laws were selectively enforced and police targeted people with a certain look. They also found the cost of attempting to enforce marijuana laws far outweighed any deterrent effect of that enforcement.

In 1972, The National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse released a report which would be the most comprehensive study on marijuana ever done. The commission took the position that smoking marijuana in one's own home should not be criminalized. Nixon threw the report in the garbage can without ever reading it.

DEA is Born

Nixon did not give up, and pushed forward with his war against marijuana. In 1972, all of the government's existing drug agencies were combined into one super-powerful agency, the Drug Enforcement Agency. The DEA was given the authority to enter homes without knocking, use wiretaps and gather intelligence on anyone.

Marijuana Activism

In the 1970s, smoking marijuana became popular among middle-class adults, and activists revamped the movement for decriminalization.

The Reagan Administration's War on Drugs

In the 1980s, the Reagan administration launched its own war on drugs. An average of one person every 38 seconds was arrested for violating marijuana laws.

Judge Francis Law Recommends Reclassifying Marijuana as a Prescription Drug

Judge Francis Law, a DEA administrative law judge, held hearings on the medical benefits of marijuana. He found that marijuana has a clearly established medical use and recommended that it be reclassified as a prescription drug. However, no action was taken to reclassify marijuana based on Law's findings.

First U.S. Medical Marijuana Law Passed

Although Canada became the first country in the world to legalize medical marijuana in 2003, the U.S. Federal Government has been resistant to changing marijuana laws. California passed Proposition 215, the first U.S. medical marijuana law, in 1996. Today Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington have passed medical marijuana laws. Several other states are also considering legalizing medical marijuana.

U.S. Supreme Court Declines to Hear Medical Marijuana Case

On May, 18, 2009, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear a dispute over California's medical marijuana law. Opponents of California's Compassionate Use Act argue that the law undermines federal drug laws. Last year, a California appeals court ruled that the state's medical marijuana law does not supersede federal drug laws.

The Fight for Reform and Medical Marijuana Continues

Currently marijuana activists are working for marijuana reform and fighting for medical marijuana laws. The U.S. National Institute of Health spent $1 million on medical research to investigate the therapeutic effects of synthetic chemicals that mimic the effects of smoking marijuana. At Temple University, research is also being done on synthetic marijuana.

Meanwhile, the U.S. government, which supposedly has no horse in the medical marijuana race, has patented medical marijuana. US Patent 6630507 was assigned to the United States of America, as represented by the Department of Health and Human services on October 7, 2003 and protects "Cannabinoids as antioxidants and neuroprotectants."

Celebrating the positive sides of atheism

by Michael Wong

Welcome! My name is Mike, and after many years of encounters with religious people, some nice and some not, I've discovered that an awful lot of religious people seem to think that atheists are an angry, bitter lot. In fact, they seem to think that we're bitter and angry at God, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. How can we be angry at someone that we don't believe exists at all? I think these people need to think a little harder about what the word "atheist" means. Why do they think this? Well, maybe it's because you only hear about atheists when an atheist launches a lawsuit over something like the Pledge of Allegiance or a Nativity display in the lobby of a government building. Given the way the media pretends we don't exist the rest of the time, it's really not too surprising that people start to generalize from the relatively tiny "launch Supreme Court lawsuit" demographic. In reality, you almost certainly know many atheists already, but you just don't realize it because we don't wear badges. In fact, there are many reasons for a happy, non-bitter person to be an atheist.

12 Benefits of Atheism

1. No need for that tortured "love/hate/fear" relationship with God any more. Let's face it, God is a lousy lover. He never calls, he never writes, and everybody's terrified of what he'll do when he finally shows up! In fact, they're so terrified that they call it Judgment Day! Does this really sound like a healthy relationship to you? If God were somebody's husband, he would have been featured on an episode of "Cops" by now, wearing a white sleeveless T-shirt with food stains on it and screaming at his woman to shut up and get back in the trailer.

2. No need to feel guilt about the Post-Masturbation Moment. What's the Post-Masturbation Moment, you say? Don't lie to me; you know exactly what it is. It's that terrible moment after you just get done masturbating. You're wiping up your spunk from the toilet or your keyboard or whatever you soiled, and suddenly, it hits you. God was watching you the whole time! Worse yet, your dead grandmother was sitting next to him, and she was watching you too! Yuck! And that's another horrible deposit into the Shame and Guilt piggy bank for you.

3. You get extra money once a week! Yes, that's right: all atheists get a cash bonus once a week. How the hell does that work, you ask? Well, you know the old saying that a penny saved is a penny earned? Every Sunday, guess what I'm doing: I'm saving the collection plate money that you were going to give away so that your church could add an expansion onto the parking lot, upgrade their PA system, or send missionaries to Africa to explain to the starving diseased masses that they need Jesus, not food or condoms. This means I'm effectively earning a cash bonus every week! Suck on it, bitches.

4. First crack at the dinner table. Yes, we get the drop on everyone else at dinner time. While you Christians are saying grace, we're grabbing the best cuts of meat. Hell, you can't even see that we're doing it, because your heads are bowed and your eyes are closed! Suckers ... and at the buffet restaurant, we're already coming back with our first plate-load of food while you're just finishing up thanking an invisible man in the sky for food that was refined through selective breeding, protected with chemical pesticides, harvested with machines, delivered in air-conditioned trucks, and bought with your money. It's even better on Sunday, when we get to the restaurant for brunch long before the church crowd can squeeze their way out of the overcrowded church parking lot after the service.

5. You get to criticize other religions without being a flaming hypocrite. Ever watch a Christian trying to explain why another religion is stupid or dangerous while simultaneously pretending that none of these criticisms could ever possibly apply to the Bible? It's amazing how the same people who preach endlessly about the evils of moral relativism will suddenly start spouting moral relativist bullshit themselves when they have to, like "well, you have to look at the massacres in context" or "that was a different time". Or my personal favourite, "God only told the Jews to do that, not the rest of us", as if that makes it OK. But with no Scripture of your own (despite the endless attempts of Christians to pretend that atheists have a shared moral ideology rather than being all over the map), you as an atheist would not have to worry about throwing stones from a glass house. Of course, if we carry this analogy to its logical conclusion it would mean that you are metaphorically homeless, but at least that's safer than living in a glass house. And you could think of yourself as a maverick cowboy (the Brokeback Mountain tour is optional).

6. You get to save money on porn! How does this work, you ask? Simple: remember the Shame and Guilt piggy bank from the Post-Masturbation Moment? Well that sucker fills up eventually, and then you have do something, don't you? You have to show God that you're a good guy and you're not going to do this horrible thing any more (even though no one ever really explains why it's so horrible, but I digress). So what do you do? In a gut-wrenching paroxysm of guilt and self-loathing, you will destroy your entire pornography collection! Ah yes, you will say, this house is clear. No more temptation. But of course, we all know this can't last. Like the Corleone family, the world of pornography will keep pulling you back, only to start the cycle all over again, spending more money each time! As an atheist, you would be able to stop this cycle. You could build a porn library without having to periodically throw it all out and start over. And you could watch it with pride. Pride and one free hand.

7. You get to use the scientific method without having to put blind spots on it. The modern scientific method is right up there with language and mathematics as one of the greatest intellectual achievements of mankind. In just a few short centuries of use, it has accomplished more to improve peoples' lives than religion did in the previous few millennia. And like it or not, the scientific method, if applied to religion, inevitably concludes that it's a crock. Why do you think you won't find a Theory of Divine Intervention in any physics text? This is why religious apologists must either insist on science/religion separation or lie through their teeth and pretend the two are compatible just because religious scientists exist (news flash: there are libertarians with government jobs too, so work/belief conflicts are hardly unheard-of). But as an atheist, you would not have to worry about carefully painting blind spots on science in order to appease your fears, or buying bullshit books written by creationists with fake doctorates telling you what you want to hear. You won't have those creepy moments like hearing about a study relating to the brain, catching yourself wondering for a moment why the thoughts of your immortal soul should be affected by mere chemicals, and then hurriedly shutting that disturbing feeling away.

8. You get to have your own black helicopter! True, I've never seen my own black helicopter, but I know it's out there somewhere because everybody in America knows there's a giant UN conspiracy manned by atheists who have lots of money and black helicopters. I don't know when we atheists will get our invitations to the Big Evil Atheist Conspiracy meetings where we get our black helicopters, but I'm sure it will be really cool. I also hear the Evil Atheist Conspiracy controls the entire media except for Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, National Review, Jeff Gannon, Robert Novak, the Drudge Report, George Will, the New York Post, NewsMax, the Wall Street Journal, the FOXNews network, and the Washington Times. For that matter, we don't have most bloggers or radio talk shows either, and for some reason, an awful lot of right-wing political ads keep getting aired on these networks and TV stations that we supposedly control. But still, I know we have the porn industry. Our evil media representatives may not have much money or influence, but they have great bodies.

9. You won't have to be afraid of gay people any more. Really, they're not that scary, and contrary to popular belief, they can't actually convert people, although I hear they're very good with interior decorating and hair. But we all know how terrifying gays are to your pastor, and what he believes is what you believe, right? Why else would you sit your sorry ass on a hard wooden bench for 1½ hours a week to listen to him telling you what's right and wrong? It's not as if they allow debate during the service.

10. You get to have "family values" that actually make sense, like wanting more government money for schools, tax breaks for parents, harsher punishments for drunk drivers and pedophiles, or restrictions on the power of teachers' unions to fuck up your kids' education with asinine rules which keep school boards from firing those who are lazy and incompetent. While the sheep are out there ranting and raving because of "sexual content on television", you can focus your energies on something that might actually be useful to your kids someday, like helping them with math. That's because you will understand that the key to raising well-adjusted children is to protect them only from real threats and then teach them about things they don't understand, rather than trying to "shield them from temptation".

11. You get to celebrate a good old-fashioned secular Christmas, without guilt. Santa Claus, flashing lights, pagan traditions like mistletoe and decorated trees, presents wrapped in shiny paper, eggnog and booze, all of it. When you walk into the shopping malls festooned with lights and tinsel, you can actually be happy and soak it in, rather than bemoaning the "commercialization of Christmas" every damned year. In fact, our secular version of Christmas is so much cooler than the Christian "go to church and humbly thank the LORD" guilt-trip version that almost all Christians celebrate our version too, just as soon as they can skip out on the pastor who's lecturing them about how they don't come to church enough. Some of them even think Secular Christmas is theirs, despite all of the pagan traditions. It still makes me laugh to think that Pope Benedict actually called upon Christians to be more "sombre" in their celebration of Christmas. What an idiot.

12. Your parents won't try to make you marry someone from your church. As an atheist, you can marry someone of any faith, or no faith at all (as long as they're up to it), and it's none of your parents' damned business. You don't have any "unequally yoked" bullshit arguments to deal with, or a Jewish mother scolding you for dating a Catholic, etc. Hell, I married a Christian Mennonite and my parents didn't mind that at all (although hers certainly did, which was exactly the kind of bullshit I'm talking about).